While I’ve never completely resented being a woman, I have definitely wrestled with my femininity since I was a little girl. I envied the things boys were encouraged to do and didn’t understand why I was different. I didn’t see any value in being different.
Now I do.
I can be strong and feminine. I can be outdoorsy and feminine. I can be fit and feminine. I can be disciplined and feminine. I can be intelligent and feminine.
Femininity is creativity, gentleness, discipline, kindness, and confidence. It is not weakness, never weakness. It took me a long time to recognize that, but now that I have, I am trying to develop myself and my femininity in as many ways as possible. Below are 10 steps I've taken to improve myself these past few months, and they've had huge benefits for my confidence.
Waking up earlier.
I learned this one from Dr. Michelle’s podcast A Feminine Impression. To be feminine is to be gentle, and to be gentle, I need to feel gentle. The world is a busy place with lots of hustle and bustle, and to feel gentle, I need to start my day in a gentle environment. If I wake up at the last possible minute, then I’m rushing through my morning and a sense of urgency follows me throughout my entire day. But if I give myself extra time to go for a walk, journal, make a nice mug of tea, and cook a delicious breakfast, that positive, gentle energy pervades my day instead.
Creating a morning and evening routine.
Being feminine takes time and intentionality. There are certain things I need to do every morning and night to make sure I look and feel my best. If I don’t give myself enough time, either by oversleeping or waiting until it’s almost time for me to go to sleep, I have to let things slip. To prevent this, I decided to sit down and figure out what habits I need time for each day. I estimated how much time they would take and I started giving myself that much time to tend to them every day. If you're interested in hearing about my routines, comment below and I can craft a post!
Wearing makeup every day.
This is not to say that femininity = makeup. Far from it. There are a lot of different ways to feel beautiful, and if makeup is not one of those ways for you, that’s okay. However, being feminine is about feeling confident, and makeup helps me feel more confident. It accentuates my favorite facial features and makes me feel beautiful. It also lets me create a little more mystery in my life. Before, the whole world saw me every day without makeup or polish. Now that gets to be a special side of me that I save for the people who I want to see it.
Washing my face.
Like I said in number 3, femininity is about confidence and I feel much more confident when my skin looks its best. It takes less than five minutes every morning and night to wash my face, but for the longest time, I just didn’t bother. It would already be later than I wanted to stay up and I’d tell myself “ah one night won’t hurt.” But all those “one nights” added up as angry red pimples all over my chin and flaky skin on my forehead and cheeks. My flaky dry skin was always an area of insecurity for me, but with a regular skin routine, I've been able to eliminate that in a few weeks.
Learning to style my hair.
This is another confidence booster. For the longest time, my idea of styling my hair was limited to putting it up or leaving it down. With high necked shirts, I’d wear a ponytail. With comfy clothes, I’d wear a messy bun. With everything else, I’d roll out of bed and leave it untouched. I didn’t own a blow-dryer, didn’t know how to use a curling iron, and generally didn’t care to bother with a straightener. And it kind of showed. As I’ve been embarking on this feminine journey, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to take my appearance from okay to radiant. And fixing my hair has been a huge part of that journey. Fixing my hair also doesn't just mean using heat. I have naturally wavy hair (2B curls to be precise) and have been using "the curly girl method" on the weeks where I don't style with heat so I can still have a natural "styled" look.
Taking care of my smile.
I take care of my teeth for other people, so they look nice when I speak, but I also take care of them for myself. When I have bad breath, it wreaks havoc on my mood. When I catch a glimpse of some gunk in between my teeth, it fills me with insecurity. So I’ve created a better dental regimen. I brush, floss, and rinse with mouthwash twice a day. For a few extra minutes in the mornings and evenings, I can feel a lot more satisfied with my appearance. And after a month, I've actually noticed an increase in the whiteness of my smile and had other people point it out as well.
Wearing more dresses and skirts.
Dresses and skirts are not for everyone and if you personally don’t enjoy wearing them, there’s no shame in that. We all have different fashion needs depending on our body types and personal preferences. For me at least, dresses and skirts frame my curves in a way that makes me feel a lot more confident. Not to mention, I find them waaay more comfortable than pants. Any time I throw on a dress or skirt, I automatically feel a little fancier than normal, and it’s nice to dress up for myself (tee-hee, get it?).
Saying “please” and “thank you,”
My journey towards femininity has also included a journey towards considerate-ness. I’ve never had the greatest manners and I’m not going to pretend that in the last month I’ve become some pinnacle of politeness. In due time. For now, however, I’m working on the little things. And the little things I’ve selected are saying “please” and “thank you.” It still feels unnatural, I’ll be honest with you. And I definitely forget to do it 50% of the time. But the times I do say these "magic words," I notice a huge improvement in the way people respond to me.
Standing up straight.
My posture has never been great. My mom used to tell me about it all the time, but I was in my tom-boy phase, and I didn’t really understand why it was important to sit up straight or pin back my shoulders. But it all comes back to confidence. When I walk into the grocery store with my shoulders back and my head held high, I feel better about myself and the people around me can see it. I also look better in photos when my shoulders are back. Posture is about intentionality, and while I definitely slip into my old ways at least 100 times a day, I’ve become more thoughtful about the way I sit and stand.
Identifying my feminine tastes.
In all of this, I need to emphasize that femininity is not one size fits all. Your femininity is about you and your journey, just like my femininity is about me and mine. Don’t be afraid to personalize! Becoming more feminine has meant doing some self-exploration, learning about my likes and dislikes, my preferences. If you disagree with any of the things I’ve listed here, that’s okay! Like I said, your journey is about you. We are all different people with different backgrounds, beliefs, and perspectives that shape the things we want out of life and from ourselves. For me, Instagram, YouTube, and Pinterest have been great starting places in identifying some of those tastes. I’ve created boards of outfits, makeup looks, and hairstyles. I’ve followed women I find inspirational that I aspire to be more like. I’ve discovered YouTubers with content that can help me be the best version of myself. It’s all about individuality!
A lot of these are more appearance-oriented and I do want to stress that being feminine has a lot more to do with inner beauty than outer beauty. However, caring for what’s on the outside is an easy way to care for what’s on the inside as well. When I tend to my hair, skin, makeup, and fashion, I’m also tending to my confidence and rooting out insecurity. When I structure my life with routines, I’m creating discipline and structuring my worldview. When I improve my manners, I’m cultivating my respect for other people.
It can feel overwhelming to say “I want to be more disciplined” or “I want to be more confident” or “I want to be more considerate.” What’s simpler is to say “I’m going to brush my teeth twice a day” or “I’m going to wake up earlier” or "I'm going to say 'please.'" The way we achieve personal growth is not through the big goals we set but the little ones. These are little things I’ve been doing in my life that have helped me see some big changes. Hopefully, they can do the same for you.
Stay lavender!
— Theresa
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